


i am afraid, i am grey.

by smollkillua



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Angst, Drinking, Heavy Drinking, Kirugon - Freeform, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Suicide Attempt, killua is really sad, leopika if u squint, they are eighteen in this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-07
Updated: 2015-09-07
Packaged: 2018-04-19 15:02:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4750667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smollkillua/pseuds/smollkillua
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All Killua feels and sees grey. Gon was the only one who made him feel like that there was other colours in the world.</p>
<p>(a short one shot i wrote while i was sad)</p>
            </blockquote>





	i am afraid, i am grey.

**_He's a stranger to some a_ _nd a vision to none._ **

 

He can hear his breathing, the only sound he could actually believe was coming from him. It was cold, the heating had broken in his shitty flat. He could see the air form into a soft, temporary cloud of white every time a breath would leave his cracked lips. His lips were broken and torn, red dots of blood sometimes appearing from chewing his lip to hard _._

Killua struggles to see colours other than grey, but he has seen an array of colours.

In Gon, that is.

Gon made those colours seem believable, the soft greens, the vibrant golds and sharp silvers. Killua often struggled to see anything but grey nowadays. He didn't want people seeing him like this, if all he could see was grey, did that mean he was grey too? Could people see how grey he was, how grey he felt? Grey was not a pretty colour, it was not the type of colour anyone would look at and feel a warmth.

Gon,

Gon was all kinds of colours.

Killua wishes he could have him back so he can see those colours once more, finally stop this shitty grey that fills his lungs and is like a weight pulling him down. His vision is blurry, it happens when he thinks too much.

Or drinks too much.

Both Kurapika and Leorio told him its best to stop, being eighteen and drinking so heavily was most likely putting much strain on his already tired organs.  _Who cares?_ He would often question,  _Gon doesn't_ his mind would answer back. It was times when he wasn't around Kurapika or Leorio that he would sit against his old dresser and drink his pain away. It was times when he was alone and drunk the walls would start talking to him, telling him how Gon would never come back. Times like now. _  
_

He would scream, when they spoke to him, scream to the walls that Gon was going to come back to him. He has too.

Killua doesn't want to do it alone, grey has become his only vision of life, he  _needs_  Gon.

He needs Gon and the colours that would come with the beautiful boy.

 

**_He can never get enough, get enough of the one._ **

 

He knows that Gon didn't do anything wrong.

Gon left to find himself, find his path in life.

Killua said he would do the same and once they had both found a path, they would make sure it lead back to each other.

Gon said, in his most cheerful voice, _"I'll always come back for you, Killua!"_

Killua believed him. The boy with the amber eyes that stood before him would always come back for him, he was sure of it.

That was two years ago.

Now, Killua isn't so sure.

He worries, Killua hardly ever worries, but now he thinks that Gon has left him behind, what if he found someone better? What if he found a path that lead him to a better place, far away so Killua couldn't find him? Killua doesn't want to be grey anymore.

He feels sick by the next swing from the whiskey bottle his pale hand had wrapped itself around. He shivers, he needs to remember to get the heating fixed, or move house again. He does that a lot, why? Because everywhere reminds him of Gon. Sadly, though, it was not the type of feeling where everywhere that reminded him of Gon reminded him of good things, it was a sad, lost feeling.

A sad, lost feeling where he couldn't reach out and touch Gon, the person he needed most.

It was shriveled memories, turned to dust and scattered around wherever Killua went.

He's lucky, he guesses.

He's lucky the alcohol is keeping him warm. 

Warm and grey.

 

_**For a fortune he'd quit, but it's hard to admit, how it ends** _ _**and begins.** _

 

His hands are shaking.

His lips quivering.

_Its just another bad night._ He thinks.

But, he wonders, why have there been so many bad nights? He isn't sure he remembers that last time he had a good night.

Did good nights even exist? The ones where you are able to fall asleep and dream of the happiness to come the next day. It wasn't like Killua couldn't dream, they would begin with Gon's soft features, the bright smile and gentle eyes. The horror would hit Killua once he would realise that the boy was out of his reach. His dreams would turn into nightmares, screaming Gon's name and trying to grab his hand.

The image of Gon would soon fade.

Killua would wake usually at this point, scared that the image fading was the actual Gon fading, leaving him.

He would stop screaming once he woke, but sobs would still shake through his body, making him choke on cries of Gon's name. Tonight he searched frantically, looking for his phone to call Gon. He reached his phone, then remembered that Gon hadn't answered his last months calls, nor replied to the text messages. Anger ran through Killua's veins, throwing the device at the wall and hearing the crack of the screen once it met the hard floor.

It was most likely broken.

Everything was still grey.

 

_**On his face is a map of the world, a map of the world.** _

 

 Kurapika and Leorio had been in contact with Gon.

Only recently, they managed to call him.

_"Leorio! Kurapika! You called!? Its so cool to hear your voices again!"_  He would exclaim down the phone excitedly.

Kurapika and Leorio could not hold back their smiles, hearing the boys deepened voice with still such an excited manor was almost calming.

_"Ah, Kurapika, has Killua been ok? I tried to call him, but it was sent straight to voicemail!"_ Gon spoke worriedly.

That was when the smiles dropped from the two mens faces, they explained how Killuas phone had broken somehow, although they knew the real reason. They knew Killua had smashed the phone once his lack of contact with Gon had been too hard to handle. They gave him simple short answers about Killua, avoiding the parts where Killua had become very alone without him, how drink was the only thing really keeping him company other than Leorio and Kurapikas presence, how Killua's world had become completely grey.

They didn't want Gon feeling guilty for how Killua felt. Killua and Gon had agreed to find each other again once they found their paths.

Kurapika decided to ask the question that had been playing on his mind the first time he found Killua drunk, crying out Gon's name.

_"Gon,"_ He began, taking a deep breath. _"Have you found your path, yet?"_ He finished calmly.

An excited noise came from the other line.

Then, Gon spoke.

_"I have, Kurapika! I have!"_ He laughed,  _"It's been a long one, but it's finally leading me back to Killua!"_

Kurapika smiled tearily, hearing those words leave Gon's mouth was like hearing angels sing. Leorio spoke _"I'm glad, Gon. Killua would love to see you."_ He needs to see you.

_"I can't wait... Oh! Also, if he tried to get in touch with me, my phone had been completely ruined, I only got it fixed recently! But I'll be home soon. I'll come home to Killua soon."_ There was a pause,  _"Not to mention you and Leorio! I'm excited to see you too but- I, I miss Killua."_ The end of the sentence came out in a whisper, Kurapika smiled, telling Gon that he understood, before ending the call.

Kurapika decided to keep it as a surprise for Killua.

Gon was coming home.

He was going to make Killua colourful again.

 

_**On his face is a map of the world, a map of the world.** _

 

He couldn't breathe, he couldn't  _fucking_ breathe.

Why hadn't Gon come back?

Killua wasn't aware of the call that Kurapika had with Gon only last week.

He was gripping the handles of his dressers, the walls were screaming at him again, telling Killua that Gon wasn't going back to someone as pathetic as he was. Tears fell from the sharp blue eyes. What the fuck is happening?  _What the fuck is happening!?_

In a panic, Killua's head lifted, he began screaming back at the walls, although this time, this time he wasn't screaming that Gon was coming back. 

_"I know! Ok!? I know he isn't fucking coming back!"_

He screamed.

_"I know he has found someone better! A better path! Or whatever you fuckers want to call it!"_

He sobbed.

_"I fucking give up, ok! I give up!"_

Were the final words ripped from his throat.

What happened next was a blur, his legs dragging him to the bathroom, hastily taking some tablets, he wasn't sure how many.

He didn't even bother to count. It was followed by a dull ache, a churning in his stomach and his head began to spin.

Everything was still grey.

He must of blacked out, because the next time he woke, he was laying on the bathroom floor, hardly conscious, but he could hear a voice. A voice that seemed to melt between Killuas bones, his head instantly reacted to it, spinning even more, the panicked tone telling him everything was going to be okay. Using the final ounce of energy he had, he looked up, his head was in someones lap.

He stared up and suddenly it hit him.

_Gon._

Gon was here, he was here and holding onto Killua for dear life.

Or... Was this his mind? Was his head playing tricks on him?

His head was going fuzzy once again.

But one thing he remembered was,

You always see those you love right before you die.

 

**_From yesterday, it's coming!_ **

 

His eyes opened, he didn't understand where he was. The walls were a clinical white, blinding him momentarily. 

His throat was  _burning_. He couldn't quite remember what had happened, he remembers the walls screaming at him, remembers being on the bathroom floor.

He remembers- Shit.

_Shit._

He remembers _Gon._

 

**_From yesterday, the fear!_ **

 

His eyes moved around the room, becoming more conscious of his surroundings.

Was he _dead?_

Or was he in heaven? Did people like him even go to heaven? Did heaven  _exist?_

Hundreds of questions swam through his head, he sat up quickly, only for a pair of hands rest on his shoulders.

_"Killua, Killua, calm down."_ The voice spoke in a soft tone, Killua's world came to a stop.

He knows that voice. He knows that voice anywhere, that was the voice of the person he cared for most.

That was the voice of the person he had _fallen in love_ with.

_Gon._

Tears escaped Killua's eyes as he stared at the boy before him, like Killua, he had grown quite a bit.

He never lets people see him cry, but this is Gon, this is the person that came back for him.

His eyes were met by Gon's, they were bloodshot and his cheeks were tinted pink. He had been crying.

He came back.

_Gon was back._

 

**_But he doesn't want to read the message here..._ **

 

_"You scared me, Kil."_ Gon whispered, eyes watering once again.

_"Don't try leave me like that ever again, Kil."_ He sobbed.

_"I can't lose you, Killua"_ He said finally.

The next thing Killua knew was a pair of soft lips were pressed to his own. His breath caught in his throat, hands sliding into Gon's soft hair. Lips moving slowly against each other, Killua felt his lungs clear, the grey in his head was slowly being pushed away. A burst of colour moved throughout Killua's body, although still weak, sat up in the hospital bed with Gon's hands holding him up, Killua could finally see something he had not been able to see for a while... Colour. _  
_

_"I'm not going anywhere, Gon."_  Killua replied in a whisper. He wasn't going anywhere ever again, not without Gon.

Nothing was grey.

_Gon had made Killua colourful again._

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> mmffff idk !!  
> i hope you enjoyed  
> if you didnt im truly sorry  
> <3
> 
> (the song lyrics were "From Yesterday - 30 Seconds To Mars")


End file.
